Thursday, November 25, 2010

Harrowing Near Death Experience, NDE, On A Kampala Bound Akamba Bus.


On Monday the 22nd Day of November 2010 the year of our Lord. I had the misshappenstance of boarding a Kampala bound Akamba Bus Via Busia, KBA **** Route 027 that departed from Nairobi  one hour after the time indicated on their receipt's departure time.

I Digress, the fellows actually booked me onto their 8.00 PM Bus at 8.47 PM, I highly suspect that at the speed at which these buses are usually driven, that bus was way past Mau Summit, Molo a full 216 Kms (135 Miles) due Northwest of Nairobi. So not only are the Ticket masters adept at reversing time they also possess a super gadget for time reversal, they are adept students of the Time Dilation Theory.

For Real God Is The Best.

The Bus left Nairobi at 10:39 PM precisely 1hour and 9 minutes after the declared departure time,  so as the good student that I am of traffic rules as enshrined in the Traffic Act of the Laws of the Republic of Kenya, I made to buckle my seat belts so that in the event that the mechanical contraption was to possess a mechanical mind of its own and drive us to the ground, the harness would restrain me from sustaining grievous bodily harm to my person.

But alas much to my chagrin this relatively new bus had no functioning seatbelts or at least my seat, seat number 31, positioned strategically directly above the left rear wheels had been deliberately mutilated and relieved of this critical safety superstructure. At this point in time I had resigned myself to whichever fate awaited me, because quite clearly the minions that dot the underworld, i.e the fallen spirits seemed to have a diabolical event scheduled for me.

From Limuru my very sensitive nostrils began to detect the smell of burning rubber which seemed to intensify with the passage of time. I was compelled to raise the issue with the rude co-driver of the Bus, who had given me a very rude answer in Nairobi when I had politely inquired of him to confirm to me whether that KBA**** was indeed the Bus bound for Kampala, he had answered me something to this effect, "Kwani unafikiria ni gani?" (English Translation: "Idiot, so which one did you think it was you f*"£c*ing f*$l?) .

He informed me that I would rather concentrate on sleeping and such other journey pleasures as I await arrival to my destination. He informed me that,being as it were I was not schooled in any way, on the Tyre mechanics of a Bus I had no locus to comment on the sights, sounds and smells of his Bus.My mind started being populated enormously and to quite a high degree by images as the following below:


I engaged in a quick and meaningful conversion with the creator of the heavens and the earth to spare me in the event the bus was to obey the Law of Entropy, Specifically the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics precursor to the Chaos theory, which simply states for the non-technical individual that:


"Anything that can go wrong, must go wrong" better known as Murphy's Law.  
My worst nightmare was rapidly coming to fruition as we approached Kobura a notorious black-spot at Ahero along the Kisumu-Nairobi highway a place I have blogged about before here. The inevitable happened the tyre burst with the staccato sound of gunfire. My immediate neighbours who I could have sworn were Muslims earnestly beseeched Yeshiva bin Nazariya to have mercy on their souls (interestingly they did not call upon Mohammed) .

The driver drove the remaining 40 kilometres quite oblivious of what had happened and showing a crass indeference to the feelings of the hapless passengers. Being as it were I have never considered myself a hapless passenger, bystander or any other "enger" I raised the issue with the driver when we got to Kisumu as they went about changing the burst tyre and the fellow quite charecteristically hurled a few insults in my direction and basically denied that the event ever took place instead accusing my faculty of imagination as working in overdrive.

We continued travelling to the frontier Town at hypersonic speed and when we got to the Busia Immigration desk and I was asked by the Immigration officer if I had anything to declare I promptly declared to him which I also do here declare to all and sundry, "Never Travel By Akamba Bus". Lousy service through and through I intend to give this feedback to the Akamba Bus officials .